Ever since I was young I have known I was different. I think differently. I see things differently. And I just can’t seem to understand others. Of course, I don’t necessarily mean that literally. I can grasp why people do things… or, at the very least, I think I can. I’m just not sure what people are motivated by but, at this point in my life, I really don’t think it matters to me anymore.
I grew up in a good environment with two parents who loved me and sacrificed for my future (our future) and, after 11 years, my sister’s as well. They did everything they could to keep us on track and doing the “right thing.” However, I always felt like an outcast, even with them. I have always assumed it was because I was not a natural born member of my family… I was, instead, adopted. And I have always attributed this as being the reason I don‘t fit in.
Throughout the years, I have come to realize it’s not a family thing… it’s a society thing. I have, in every facet of my life, felt like an outcast with every group I have encountered. I have looked down upon myself for not fitting in and I have struggled desperately with trying to fit in. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the situation is hopeless. I have met many remarkable people and have had many friendly enough relationships. I am a likeable person and pretty easy to get along with. And when all else fails, I have my sense of humor. Without that I don’t know that I would be this healthy-minded. But there was a long period of time when I was extremely depressed over this. Mainly the first 25 years of my life. Then I met my husband who opened my eyes to many aspects of myself and through many years of extreme self-therapy (and age/maturity) I have finally overcome the idea that fitting in is so important. My final analysis is that I have a unique gift to see things differently and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
When I was younger, I would have given up everything just to be able to be like all the other sheep. It’s a pretty lonely existence being the only one like yourself, but that would have been an awful lot to sacrifice. And I have to face it, other people just don’t understand me. They just can’t. I process information on a totally different level. Once a relationship has gotten to a certain level of deepness, people tend to wander away, leaving me to think “what did I do wrong?”
First of all, when someone comes to me with a problem I tend to give all the other sides that I can think of, presenting them with a full spectrum surrounding the situation. This tends to come off as annoying because it makes people feel I’m taking “the other side” by not agreeing with them. But that’s one of my problems. I usually don’t take any side. Don’t get me wrong there are times I listen to people and just nod and smile leading them to believe I fully agree. But these are people that wouldn’t listen even if you smacked them in the face with the truth. And, anyway, this type of scenario always ends with me wandering away.
At this point, I don’t even like to give an opinion at all. If I’m forced to give an opinion, my usual response is to tell people that I don’t have the answers they’re looking for and if they keep asking themselves eventually the answer will come to them. Besides, most people would rather have a liar in their face smiling and nodding than someone telling them the truth anyway. People feel more powerful when others agree with them. How else do you compound your own feelings to reality? Simple. Find an idiot to agree with you. Then it becomes reality and, most importantly, you’re right. And the more people that agree with you, the more right you are. People hate to be wrong certainly when dealing with their own feelings. And most people would argue that feelings can’t be wrong. They’re not facts; they’re feelings.
I believe most people don’t like to hear the truth about themselves. How many people look at themselves honestly? Let’s face it we all deal with problems in our lives that we don’t like to look at and avoidance seems to be the common answer. But without looking honestly, how can we grow from it? I believe this to be a healthy way of thinking, however, others just want to avoid hearing the truth and dealing with it. If it’s not looked at, then it doesn’t really exist right?
Wrong. It’s still there whether you want to look at it or not. The only difference is that if you don’t look at it, then when problems do come at you, you don’t understand the part of the problem that’s you. And if you don’t understand that part, how will you get through a situation in a healthy and honest way?
Unlike other people, when a problem arises for me, I look at how I am taking part in it and what I’m doing wrong and I try to correct my own behavior or way of thinking. Most people look at a problem and instantly point the finger at someone or something outside of themselves instantly placing blame and distancing themselves from the “bad.” How is this good evolution of the mind? If you view something as a problem then you are already a part of it just by having an opinion. If you simply choose unconditional acceptance of things around you, there is no problem. Life is what it is with or without your opinion or judgment.
This does not mean, however, that I think people should just sit idly around and watch life pass them by. I think people need to healthfully take an active role in their lives and continue doing all the necessary things. To do otherwise would prove to be disastrous in your own life and it would leave your responsibility on other people’s shoulders.
We all need to take more personal responsibility. And awareness and honesty are a good start. How much different would life be if you could just ebb and flow? Maybe it wouldn’t be as interesting because people tend to surround themselves with so much bullshit drama. Let me ask you though, once you create or become a part of the drama, do you still realize it’s just all in your head? Or are you now trapped within the drama that you helped to create? Doesn’t seem like a very happy or healthy existence to me.
I’m glad I’m me and not like all the other sheep.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me.
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